Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas 2012


I have always loved the festivities that go along with the season... always wallowed in the fun of gift giving/receiving, parties, get togethers and the festive atmosphere is always infectious... but this year I feel like this is the worst Christmas ever! We have been struggling financially and part of me blames myself, for not being able to work as hard as I should or for being lazy or for just being outright mean (sometimes - maybe even often) to the the people I care the most and for being too comfortable in the knowledge perhaps, that whatever happens I know that I am accepted.... Anyways, not being able to buy gifts for those special people in my life, makes me feel so inadequate.. I know that they are not expecting, since they know the struggles the family is going through... I still feel the "shame" of not being able to provide fully well for my family.

Aside from the stress of being financially challenged is the physical challenge that I am going through, my head is throbbing and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and all I can do is lie in bed and wallow...

But I know that I have no choice but to face the world.. in due time.. for now.. I think I will just stay where I am and assess my life... Assess how life will be for me and my family if this goes on and what I have to do in order to prevent this from occurring...

I am not perfect nor do I wish to be... My family is not perfect nor do I wish them to be... we all have our own struggles that we need to overcome, I know that thru God's grace we will and it might seem like such a stretch but I know God is there, I just need to keep believing.. Yes it's hard sometimes to keep the faith, but I know I have to.. and I will.. I know I can...